Learning how to deal with a manipulative stepchild can prove to be difficult, thereby putting a strain on you as stepparents. Such that there is a need for you to learn how to cope with a manipulative stepchild in the best way possible.
Learning to be calm yet assertive when your stepchild is throwing tantrums takes deliberate efforts. Although you love your stepchild, his or her manipulative behaviour is causing rift in your family and not allowing you to love and care as you should.
It is important that as stepparents you understand and address the situation. Not understanding and addressing the situation can cause irreparable rift to the family. Pain, bitterness and sadness becomes a norm in such family, making it bad for you and your stepchild’s mental health.
Children don’t just become manipulative, there is always a story behind it. Take your time to understand your stepchild’s history and learn why he or she behaves so. It will save you from making assumptions and help you tackle the main problem.
Understanding Manipulative Behavior.
Like I said earlier, understanding is key when it comes to dealing with manipulation in children. There is a need to understand manipulative behaviors. You might ask, which behaviors are considered manipulative?
There are many behaviors that can be considered manipulative. When your stepchild begin to do certain things to get away from the consequences of their actions, get their way or make you behave in a certain way then they are being manipulative.
Lying in all forms, either so you can see an issue in a different way or lying their way out of consequences is a manipulative behavior. Guilt tripping can also be used to manipulate. Making you feel bad, so that they can get their way, saying things like, “I know you don’t love me” or “you treat Ben better than me” when it is not true are manipulative behaviors
Other manipulative behavior includes gaslighting. Gaslighting would make you doubt if you are sane. Twisting facts, using a person’s word against them, denying what they said are ways people gaslight. You may also notice that your child always has crying outburst or fits rage when things are not going his or her way. Silent treatment is another way you can be manipulated.
All these and more are manipulative behaviors. Knowing these behaviors and observing your stepchild to see which behavior is common and has become a pattern, will help you know how to address it. It is also important that you are able to distinguish between normal child behavior and manipulative tactics.
These two behaviors can look similar. It is normal for a child to cry when they are upset but it is not normal for a child to cry every time until they get their way. When a child does this, the child understands that you don’t want him or her to cry and that you would do anything he or she wants to get them to stop. It is this type of crying that is manipulative.
Building Empathy and Compassion.
One of the attributes every good parent should have is compassion and empathy. Acting with compassion towards your stepchild assures him or her that you love them, although you make strict rules to guide them.
Considering your stepchild’s perspective and the potential reasons behind their manipulative behavior can help you better understand them. Your stepchild can be manipulative because they think you don’t love them. It could be that their trust have been abused by other adults and they find it difficult to believe adults in general.
It could also be that they were not treated well before you adopted them and they had to use those behaviors to get what they want.
Children observe a lot, living with a dysfunctional family where manipulative habits are a norm can affect a child negatively. He or she thinks it is the normal way to live and embraces it. You will have to re-educate the child and re-education takes time and effort.
Another reason your stepchild may be manipulative is fear. Throwing tantrums or going on a fit rage may be the only way the child knows to hide his or her fear. Both children and adults resort to threatening, intimidation, throwing tantrums or going on a fit rage to cover their fear, they may have noticed or have an experience of someone preying on their fear.
Open Communication.
Any and every relationship thrives when there is open and non-judgmental communication. This helps each party to open up and express themselves without the fear of judgment.
Ask your Stepchild questions that will help them open up. Do this without making it seem like it is a questioning session or they are sitting on the hot seat. Create an atmosphere where they can be unguarded. When they don’t want to talk about something, don’t stress it, let them know they can talk to you when they feel more comfortable.
Opening up might take a while, don’t force it. The more comfortable they get, the easier communication becomes. While you are trying to get them comfortable with you, don’t give in to their every whim as it will reinforce their manipulative behavior.
Setting Boundaries.
It is very important that you set boundaries for both yourself and your stepchild. It is important because it guides both of you on what to do and what not to do.
To make sure that you are fair, call for a meeting with all members of the family. State the behaviors you will not tolerate and consequences that should be expected if not followed. Ensure that the rules affect everyone of your children, exempting none. This ensures that your stepchild does not assume you hate him or her.
You must be consistent with enforcing your boundaries when dealing with manipulative behaviors. Neglecting to enforce your boundaries will negate the results you want to achieve. Be calm and assertive when these boundaries are not obeyed, don’t let their manipulative tactics get to you. When they notice manipulation doesn’t work on you, they will start to behave.
Seeking Professional Help.
Dealing and coping with a manipulative stepchild can be very challenging and frustrating especially when you have tried all you can. One of the few things you can do when you have exhausted all your options is to book a counseling or therapy session with a family counselor or therapist.
Going for counseling or therapy can be very beneficial for both of you. It will help you communicate better and find ways to stop these behaviors with the help of an expert.
Family therapy or counseling will help you speak about how your child’s actions hurt you and help you better understand why your child employs manipulative behaviors. Also your child gets therapy, helping to understand what their behavior does to you and how to consciously stop it, if they are addicted to behaving so. Counseling will help you get to the underlying issues that cause your child to resort to manipulation, give professional help and methods you can use to assist your stepchild and guide you on the best way to behave around him or her.
Strengthening the Stepparent – Stepchild Relationship.
Before a family can be closely knit together and love each other, each member of the family must have played their role perfectly and systems consciously built to help build rapport with each other.
As the parent, ensure that you create time for your family, especially your stepchild. Your stepchild might not be sure of your love but spending time doing that he or she loves will help him or her see the truth.
Show up for them when there is a school occasion and so on. Don’t focus your time on only your stepchild because biological children may get jealous. Jealousy is not good and may cause your biological children to do or say things to your step child, which can reinforce their manipulative behavior.
Both parents should build a united front, with every party playing their roles well. Be good examples to the child. Don’t engage in manipulative behavior if you want your stepchild to stop. Always decide together on the consequences for not obeying the boundaries set and no one you should give in when the time for your stepchild to face the consequences of his or her behavior comes. This way, he or she will not be able to pit you against each other.
Also Read: How to Deal with an Otherthinker in a Relationship
Conclusion.
Manipulative behaviors whether from your stepchild or biological child can affect the love and the closeness of your family. People with manipulative behavior put people against each other causing distrust, pain, betrayal and hatred.
It is important that as a parent you get to the root of the issue causing your stepchild to be manipulative and address it either by being patient and communicating with your stepchild or seeking the help of a counselor or therapist.
Communication plays a huge role in helping you get rid of manipulative behaviors in your stepchild. It strengthens your family and ensures that it is truly a home to every member of your family, thereby fostering love, trust and accountability.
